I’ve never really considered the word ‘ambition,’ especially not as a way of describing myself as in ambitious or full of ambition.  But yesterday, when I came across a definition of ambition and tried it on, I suddenly felt a surge of power.  I felt compelled to act towards obtaining that which I most want to accomplish in this life.

Ambition: an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction as power, honor, fame, or wealth and the willingness to strive for it’s attainment.

Goal seem weak in comparison to Ambition.

Ambition seethes with power…a power to propel, whereas a goal seems more elegant and lofty.

I’ve always had goals, but I’ve never thought of myself as being ambitious.  And now when I think of my goals as helping me to achieve my ambition, I feel compelled to act to achieve those goals as stepping stones toward my ambition.

I wake violently from a dream.  In this dream, I had decided to go back to West Point.  I walk the hollow grounds of the Academy watching the new cadets pinging around the parade field.  I instinctually know that I have to get myself into better shape if I want to have any chance of keeping up with these young cadets.  I run and I swim.  But soon realize that my 40 year old body lacks the resilience it once had, so I abandon the idea.

I walk from the Academy gates with my head hung low.  I fumble with my gear as I walk down the street.  I pass by a young Jesus looking guy on the sidewalk.  He has a young man and a young woman with him.  As I pass, the bearded guy beckons for me to come toward him.  I reach for him, but he slaps my hands away and says, “Not so fast.”  He sits down against the wall of the building we are standing in front of.  I take his rejection to mean go away.  As I turn to leave the young man and young woman get to either  side of me and push me to the ground.  I try to fight off the guy first.  But while I am fighting him, the woman goes for my wallet.  I turn to fight her off.  Then the young man is back at me.  And the see-saw effect begins.  I fight one off and then the other.  Back and forth.  The situation seems hopeless.  In desperation, I force myself to wake up, so that I don’t see the outcome that I don’t want.

It is 5.30 am on a Saturday.  I count it as a lie-in to sleep until 5.30 am.  I get up, ready to begin the day in full.

I came across this interest blog post about the Penis Festival in Japan:

http://denniscooper-theweaklings.blogspot.com/2009/06/george-box-presents-honen-matsuri.html

And Mark Vernon had this quote from Steve Jobs on his blog.  I like this quote because it fits exactly my current mood:

‘Remembering I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.’

peace out.

sometimes i feel like
the endless cacophony
of her words are crushing me

sometimes i fell like
the endless silence of her
cold shoulder is deafening me

I am awakened by the howling of my neighbor’s cat beneath my window.  I had intended to have a lie-in seeing how it is Sunday morning.  I don’t usually lie-in.  Perhaps my neighbor’s cat realizes this and is trying to keep me from regretting not getting up early.  I stumble out of the bed.  I might as well not let the cat wake everybody else up.  I walk down the stairs wiping away the sleep.  I am distracted by the dream I was just having.  It is the second one featuring my neighbor, Baz and his wife Katherine.  This time Baz is on his Blackberry yelling at his son because he is about to make us all late for the 15 mile Walk for Life charity event in which Ruth and I are walking.  Baz, Katherine and Daniel are meant to be our cheering section.  Perhaps it’s poetic justice that it is their cat who has awakened me from my slumber.

I stumble out into the back garden and make a few noises in the hopes of stopping the cat from howling.  It doesn’t work.  I go back in and walk zombie-like to the back room for a good old Austin Powers pee.  It is only after I come crashing out of the downstairs bathroom that is on suite to the back room, that I suddenly become aware of the fact that my mother-in-law is sleeping there.  I forgot that she is visiting us for a couple of days.  I slip out of the room, embarrassed, hoping that she hasn’t heard me.

Now that I am up, I head straight for the kettle to get my morning cup brewing.  I am trying to decide if I should use the quiet time to write, read, or upload files to my publisher.  As usual when I am undecided on what to do, I check my email and FaceBook for any messages.  There are a few comments about the photo I posted of Ruth and I on our way to Sean and Kath’s costume party.  And there are a couple of more request to be friends.  My mind now settled, I decide to read.  I am re-reading John Updike’s Rabbit, Run.  I am in the mood for some serious literary fiction and you can’t go wrong with John Updike.

It is not long before Brittany is awake.  She comes and watches me read.  It is Father’s Day and she has made a cool card for me.  On the front cover is a book about philosophy next to a pint of beer.  I chuckle because I am amazed how perceptive she is of my habits.  She has me sussed alright.  My son is as cheeky as his father.  The front cover of his card to me reads: ‘cool, talented, funny, clever, brilliant…’ on the inside it reads: ‘enough about me… happy father’s day.’

do plan on posting again.  I haven’t posted much in the last few weeks because I have been distracted or focused on other things (depending on your point of view).  Also I think I have become a little bored with my blog in its present form and content.  So I am in search of a new direction to take the blog.  I’m not sure what that is yet.  But I don’t think it will take me long to decide, especially since I am starting to feel the itch to blog again.