I am glad I did the things I did when I was young.  I lived hard and played hard as a soldier and a young man.  I see some of these young kids in the call centre and I think what a waste of youth.  I am working with a 19 year old girl and she is absolutely miserable.  She is not married, has no kids, no mortgage and yet she feels miserable because she feels trapped.  Trapped by what I am not sure? She wants to do things.  But she makes excuses for not doing them.  And I think fuck, you are 19, how can you be this miserable?  Why not go out and do something with your life?  At 19 I was convinced I could conquer the world and nobody could tell me different.

Life has been trying to creep back into my consciousness. Or least all those things that try to distract me and pass themselves off as life – like death and taxes. It seems that when I live in the now, all sorts of other things build up in the periphery and at some point come into plain view and demand attention – attention i don’t necessarily want to pay, especially since they set my mind to worry and focus on things that I have the illusion of control over.

I am back home after another week in Rayleigh. The hotel I stay in during the week only serves food that I have to ask someone what it is.  Yes, I could go out in town to get a bite, but my dinner allowance is mixed in with the hotel bill, so if I go out I’d have to pay out of pocket and sacrifice my free evening meal.  And who wants to pass up a free meal? That said, my priority this weekend is to eat caveman food – burgers, pizzas, ribs and chicken.

My tasks list today tells me that I have a ton of stuff to get through this weekend.  My mind, body, and soul tell me that I don’t want to do any of it.  Instead I want to sit down in my big comfy chair and read Will Self’s tough, tough toys for tough, tough boys.  Let’s see who wins.

she sits at the back
of Starbucks and stares
at the door, poised in
anticipation of her prey

she does not blink
she does not drink

her coffee goes cold

she could be an exhibit
in Madame Tussauds
i want to touch her
to see if she is real, but
i dare not move

my coffee goes cold

Before there was Nike, there was Dante:

‘Now you must needs,’ my teacher said, ‘shake off
your wonted indolence.  No fame is won
beneath the quilt or sunk in feather cushions.’

‘Whoever, fameless, wastes his life away,
leaves of himself no greater mark on earth
than smoke in air or froth upon a wave.’

‘I offer you,’ he said to me, ‘no answer
save “just do it”.  Noble demands, by right,
deserve the consequence of silent deeds.’

-Dante, Inferno, Cantos 24