If you want to accomplish something of significance, you have to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to do it.  It is that simple.  But as Morpheus says in The Matrix, ‘there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path’.


At present I work to maintain the conditions, possessions, and position I have now.  I am doing the things I need to do to maintain the status quo.  Is the status quo good enough?  In the context of my life the status quo consists of a loving, healthy, happy family.  The kids are doing well in school.  They have what they need to feel nurtured and nourished.  They have an active social life and appear to be well liked amongst their peers.  The wife and I have more or less the same.  When I am not doing things to aggravate the wife, she seems happy.  And when I am not doing things to aggravate myself I am happy.


I cause myself aggravation when I want what I don’t have and when I imagine that I will lose what I do have if I don’t push myself to do more and more.  I convince myself that I have to keep up with the imaginary Smith’s and Jones’s.  Alan de Botton calls it status anxiety.  It is an anxiety caused by what we think others think of us; whether they judge us a success or failure, a winner or a loser.  Go to any networking or social function where no one knows who you are and what is one of the first questions people ask you?  ‘What do you do?’  This is the moment when you are suppose to ‘strut your stuff’, spread your feathers like a peacock to impress.  Or you mumble something and quickly change the subject.  I usually avoid the answer by saying. ‘I shake hands and kiss babies.’


Nietzsche says the ingredients of fulfillment are:

– A position in the world

– Sex

– Intellectual mastery

– Creativity

Am I fulfilled?

– Position in the world (a grain of sand on a beech)

– Sex (I get plenty, but like most men, could always do with more)

– Intellectual mastery (striving for, but easily distracted by other things)

– Creativity (not expressed in the way I would like to express it)


Should I continue to maintain the status quo?  I could if I take myself out of the system where I am judged by what I do, by how much money I make, by what kind of car I drive, by what position I hold, and by what access I have to the top of the line consumer must haves to be seen as successful.


Do I want to unplug from the system?

I have a burning question I need to know the answer to…

At work today, I watched a woman struggle to walk across the company courtyard.  She was wearing high heels.  It snowed last night and the ground was wet, and there was  patches of ice here and there.  Now this woman may have just been a block head for wearing high heels on such a day, but it got me to thinking, why, in general do women wear high heels to work?  And I am talking serious high heels…

Help a man understand pleas…

By Arthur Schopenhauer

Love interrupts at every hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes for a while even the greatest minds.  It does not hesitate to interfere with the negotiations of statesmen and the investigations of the learned.  It knows how to slip its love-notes and ringlets even into ministerial portfolios and philosophical manuscripts.  It sometimes demands the sacrifice of health, sometimes of wealth, position and happiness.

So love is dead.  I overheard a 16 year old girl talking with her friends and she said: “I’ve seen to many people get their hearts broken thinking they were with the one.  I am beginning to believe there isn’t such a thing.  I don’t want to get involved.”

Some times I stress myself out for no good reason at all.  I forget the prophetic words of wisdom of Mr Marley:

Dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

And maybe that’s it.  I’ve been getting up at 4am and going straight to work.  I haven’t watched the sunrise, or listened to the birds in my back garden sing their lovely morning tunes in the past 2 months.  That can’t be a good thing.

Yesterday, my mechanic announced my truck a dead truck driving.  The gearbox needs fixing. Something is wrong with the handbrake, and the rear differential something or another is leaking.  He informed me that it is a big job and unless I am in love with my truck, it probably isn’t worth the expense to fix it considering its age and the number of miles I have racked up on the odometer.  He said the best thing to do is drive it until it packs in.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love my truck, but I do like it.  We’ve been through a lot together.  I will have to get a second opinion.  Maybe there is hope.

In addition to working an ungodly amount of hours, I have also been pushing myself pretty hard physically with my running and weightlifting regime.  My body is morphing into a different shape.  My clothes are falling off of me.  Soon I will be hard as woodpecker lips again.  But at what cost?

I think today I will take some time to smell the roses.

I finally got my hands on a copy of Neil Gaiman‘s book, American Gods, so I’ll spend some time with it today as well, maybe even wander into town and pick up some new threads.

peace, out

This story has fallen into my hands courteous of Paulo Coelho from his blog.  I know he won’t mind me posting it here because he ends all his blog posts with:

Welcome to Share with Friends – Free Texts for a Free Internet

And he is, in fact, giving a speech today at the Frankfurt Book Fair on the very topic of a free Internet and the value of sharing content.

Anyway, I’m passing this story on because it ties in with some thoughts I had in the shower this morning.  You see, I am one of these people who has been cursed with an insatiable drive to find an answer to the question, ‘What is it all about, this thing called life?’

‘Why are we here?’

‘Why am I here?’

Of course, I have to take time out to do practical things like work to earn money so I can eat and pay the bills, but always just below the surface there’s this splinter in my mind’s eye that gnaws away at me like a Rottweiler on a steak bone.

Some times I have these moments of clarity in which I swear I have reached a state of enlightenment and know without doubt what the answer to the question is.  But those moments disappear like a snowflake on a hot engine.

Other times, the question drives me to the brink of despair and I want to throw in the towel and tell God I quit.

And then there are times like today when I think to myself, ‘Who cares?’

‘Does it really matter if I know time?’

Forget the question, just get on with life – whatever that is?

They say that when the student is ready the teacher will appear.  And the teacher can come in many guises.  This time, an anecdote:

Three people passing in a small caravan saw a man contemplating the late afternoon in the Sahara Desert, from the top of a mountain.

‘It must be a shepherd who has lost a sheep,’ said the first.

‘No, I don’t think he’s looking for anything, much less at a sunset, when the view is hazy.  I think he’s waiting for a friend.’

‘I guarantee that’s a holy man, and is looking for enlightenment,’ commented the third.

They began to talk about what the man was doing, and became so engrossed in the discussion that they almost fought over it. Finally, in order to resolve the matter, they decided to climb the mountain and go to the man.

‘Are you looking for your sheep?’ asked the first.

‘No, I have no flock.’

‘Then you are surely waiting for someone,’ said the second.

‘I’m a lonely man who lives in the desert,’  was the answer.

‘Since you live in the desert in solitude, you must be a saint searching for God’s signs, and are meditating’ said the third man, delighted.

‘Does everything on Earth have to have an explanation? Then I shall explain: I am merely looking at the sunset. Is that not enough to give sense to our lives?’

depressed, the headlines have
me sinking in despair, is there
no way out, i am stressed

i turn the page

wall street took another blow
the dow hit a five year low
icelandic boss, shakes his head
says coolly, sorry for the billion dollar loss

i turn the page

i’m confused by the news
of banks that refuse to give
the people back their money,
this shit isn’t funny, if it were
you or i, they’d take our homes
our cars, our color TV’s
leave us living in the street
to beg, borrow, and steal
to make the ends meet

i turn the page

the words don’t get any better,
investment banker stands before
congress, smiles like the Cheshire
Cat, he says i confess i made a fucking
mess and left the economy and the
taxpayer to discover they’re in a
fucking quagmire from which they’ll not
soon recover, i guess i’ll retire,
live out my days flying across the airways,
from paris to milan to catch the ballets
with the money i took from the company
as i watched the MTHR FCKR
burn to the ground, while me and
the boys played another round

i turn the page

we’ve gone from economic enjoyment
to mass unemployment, pundits predict
millions of people will loose their jobs
victims of the meltdown, engineered by
a few clowns at the top of the hill
politicians think they can fix this with a bill

i turn the page

people are bracing for hard times
there’s chaos in the stores, folks
rushing to buy cases of lager on
sale for a fiver so they can go home
and sit on the sofa and sulk and
watch reruns of MacGyver, they
make empty toasts to prosperity past
and hope the bad times won’t last

i turn the page

born Beth Israel Hospital, play time, almost lose my eye, eat sand, father away on a ship, man shot in front of me bleeding stripped to his underwear, orgies, broken plates, dead bird caused by my hand, big park, Pablo, monkey man,  lemon cream cookie thief, books = friends, army men, gigi, dog down incinerator, fight = survival, grandmother dies of cancer, riots, murder, death, move home, move home, move home, move home, live with grandfather, bats, grandfather hit in the head with a can of beans, eat raccoon, southern fried chicken, scared in the dark, Sunday paper, cornflakes, baby sister, moth balls, dad comes, dad goes, dad comes back again.

good faith is hidden
in the fear of a
country girl in short
black dress and sultry

she sips cherry coke
and smiles

people fear me she
says but I am just
living life the way
I think I should live

drop out and snuggle
with me and we can
be human building
blocks and lie on
the rocks until dawn